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“I had to come nose to nose with death,” says the actor, who revealed his stage 3 colorectal cancer last November.
James Van Der Beek is opening up about the “hardest year” of his life.
In a recent Instagram video, the actor reflected on his battle with colorectal cancer as he marked his 48th birthday, and shared how his journey affected his marriage and family.
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“Today’s my birthday, and it has been the hardest year of my life,” began Van Der Beek, who shares Olivia, 14, Joshua, 13, Annabel, 11, Emilia, 8, Gwendolyn, 6, Jeremiah, 2, with wife Kimberly. “I wanted to share something that I learned with y’all.”
“When I was younger, I used to define myself as an actor, which was never really all that fulfilling,” the Dawson’s Creek star continued. “Then I became a husband, and that was much better. And then I became a father, and that was the ultimate.”
“I could define myself then as a loving, capable, strong, supportive, husband, father, provider, steward of the land that we’re so lucky to live on,” he added. “And for a long time, that felt like a really good definition to the question: ‘Who am I? What am I?”‘
Van Der Beek — who revealed his stage 3 colorectal diagnosis in November — said during the past year he “had to look his mortality in the eye,” adding, “I had to come nose to nose with death. All of those definitions that I cared so deeply about were stripped for me.”
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The father of six went on to detail how being “away for treatment” impacted his life at home.
“I could no longer be a husband who was helpful to my wife,” he said. “I could no longer be a father who could pick up his kids and put them to bed and be there for them. I could not be a provider because I wasn’t working. I couldn’t even be a steward of the land because, at times, I was too weak to prune all the trees during the window that you’re supposed to prune them.”
He continued, “And so I was faced with the question: ‘If I am just too skinny, weak guy alone in an apartment with cancer, what am I?’ And I meditated and the answer came through. I am worthy of God’s love simply because I exist. And if I’m worthy of God’s love, shouldn’t I also be worthy of my own? And the same is true for you.”
The Varsity Blues star said he wanted to share the “revelation” with his followers as he continues “through this healing portal toward recovery.”
He added that he wants his fans to know they’re “worthy of love.”
“Because you are,” he concluded.
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In November, Van Der Beek revealed his colorectal cancer diagnosis while speaking with People.
“I have colorectal cancer. I’ve been privately dealing with this diagnosis and have been taking steps to resolve it, with the support of my incredible family,” he said in an exclusive statement.
“There’s reason for optimism, and I’m feeling good,” he added.
Per the American Cancer Society, Colorectal cancer starts in the colon or the rectum, which make up the large intestine in the digestive system.
In an interview with TooFab in December, Van Der Beek gave an update on his health, sharing that he was feeling “great.”
“Thank you, yeah, feeling really strong, in a very good place,” he said.
