How Allison Holker Discovered Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss’ Drug Addiction While Picking Out Funeral Outfit

Weeks after the Ellen DeGeneres Show co-executive producer and longtime DJ died by suicide at age 40 in December 2022, the dancer pro said she found a “cornucopia” of drugs — including mushrooms, pills and “other substances I had to look up on my phone” — hidden inside his shoeboxes inside their closet.

“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker said in a new cover story for PEOPLE.

“It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about],” she continued. “It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”

Throughout their nine-year marriage, Holker believed she and Boss had “very honest” communication about his marijuana use. At night, after their kids went to bed, he would quietly slip into their guesthouse to smoke or drink.

“That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was okay,” Holker said. But as she looked through his journals in the wake of his death, the professional dancer learned her husband had hidden painful secrets from even those closest to him.

“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” she says of Boss, who alluded to being sexually abused by a male figure during his childhood in several of his journal entries. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”

While, initially, Holker said she felt betrayed by his secrets, thanks to therapy and time, she’s gained a new outlook on the situation.

“Reading Stephen’s journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with,” she said. “It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding.”

Holker, who details her healing journey in a new memoir titled This Far, out Feb. 4, said by sharing sharing Boss’ struggles in the aftermath of his death, she’s hopeful she can save even just one person who’s been struggling in silence.

“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals … you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it,” she says. “It’s hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you’re going to be okay.”

While Holker said Boss was acting withdrawn, showering less frequently and smoking morning and night, and acknowledged to her that he was going through a low period, the mother of three said her late husband was “very careful about this wording.”

At the time, he was closing out eight years on The Ellen DeGeneres Show while also ending a run as a judge on So You Think You Can Dance.

Still, “we were getting ready for this big year,” she says. “It seemed like, ‘Oh, he’s taking a resting period,’ which he would say he’s never had.”

In hindsight, Holker said she believes Boss was struggling to find he balance between his public, extroverted persona as “tWitch,” and his private life as the introverted Stephen.

“When I would think about my husband at the time, I would think, ‘Oh, I love that tWitch is such a great performer, but then when he comes home he feels safe enough to be Stephen,'” she said. “I was with him for so long, and that’s how he’s been the entire relationship. I was like, ‘It’s a beautiful thing that he can be both.'”

Looking back, Holker has realized his “two very different personalities” were increasingly “battling” each other. “What if he felt safe being this one individual that has different kind of energies,” she wondered. “You don’t have to be a completely different person and put them aside from each other.”

Holker, who shared children, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5, with Boss, as well as Weslie, 16, who she welcomed in a previous relationship, said Boss dropped Weslie at school the morning before he went missing, telling PEOPLE that the teen was the last person in their family to see him alive, adding that his final words to her were, “I wish I could be your Superman.”

“Having someone say last words to you that you didn’t really process at the time as being anything wrong … that’s really hard, especially as a teenager,” Holker said, sharing that Weslie still attends the same school.

“She handles it with far more grace than she should have to. We took the steps to really help her and communicate with her and make her feel seen and heard,” Holker continues. “I think she also sees those words as something beautiful, and also ugly. It’s a battle that she’s going to always have with herself, but I know she can see it from both sides.”

But by feeling those full range of emotions and knowing there’s a light at the end of that tunnel of grief, is something Holker hopes readers take away from her new book.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had thoughts of harming themselves or taking their own life, get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.

This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light by Allison Holker comes out Feb. 4 from Harper Select and is available for preorder now, wherever books are sold.